As a full-fledged city girl, my idea of “wildlife” is a pigeon with one foot and an attitude problem. So when I took on a delivery for Spark that sent me winding through what I can only describe as “cow country,” I knew I was out of my element.
It started off like a regular gig—GPS on, Bruno Mars blaring from my speakers, vibes locked in. But about 20 minutes in, the city faded away. Buildings turned to barns. Sidewalks became stretches of grass. I passed a rider-less tractor. An actual tractor. On the road. Like it had somewhere important to be.
That’s when I saw it.
A goat. In someone’s front yard. Just hanging out nibbling on grass. Next to it? What I thought was some kind of oversized animal statue—rustic décor or whatever these farmland folks are into. I squinted harder (because obviously squinting makes things clearer at 40 mph), the statue moved.
It lifted its long, brown neck and did this dramatic, slow-mo hair flip that would put any shampoo commercial to shame. I muttered loudly, “What the hell is that?” Then, much louder, “Is that an ALPACA?!”
That’s when I noticed I had casually, like full commitment—drifted into oncoming traffic. Not because the car in front of me honked (rude silence, if you can imagine), but because the police SUV behind me flipped on his siren.
Let me repeat: I was in the wrong lane, mid-alpaca existential crisis, being scared *bleep*less by a cop.
I jerked the wheel back to the right side of the road, turned on my hazards as a sort of flashing Morse code for “my bad dude,” and immediately entered the denial phase of stupidity. I didn’t pull over because:
Technically, I corrected myself.
If the alpaca didn’t get arrested for its distracting presence, why should I?
Also… what was I supposed to say? “Sorry, officer, I thought the alpaca was fake until it turned into Kanye West?”
Meanwhile, I had two major questions:
Why didn’t the driver coming at me blow their horn? Were they too frozen in alpaca confusion too?
What did the police officer think when he saw me swerving like a stunt double in a car chase—only to find me fully sober and just shocked by livestock?
I drove away un-ticketed but deeply emotionally impacted. So now, anytime someone tells me to “get out of the city more,” I’m going to remind them that I almost died because of an alpaca.
Final thoughts:
Don’t trust alpacas.
They know what they’re doing.
And sometimes, officers, it’s not a drunk driver.
Sometimes… it’s just a confused city girl seeing her first real barn animal in 4K.
You’re welcome.
