Well, it finally happened. After nine months of soul-crushing honesty, I’m officially a liar. And apparently… that’s what employers want.
Let me back up.
Last year, I was unceremoniously yeeted (was it though…) out of a toxic workplace helmed by a brand new manager with the charm of a crocodile and the emotional intelligence of a New York street sign. My stress levels were through the roof. I had migraines, back pain, I was fainting and sometimes I was exhibiting early-onset heart problems. I will tell you that I’ve never fainted in my life before this place. I’ve had a cyst burst in my stomach while at work and I bent over, walked out of my office in severe pain and took myself to the hospital. So when I tell you I’m a strong black woman… I mean that with a level of veritableness that only other women can understand. Once they let me go? Suddenly I could breathe. I slept. I smiled. I remembered what air smelled and tasted like.
So there I was—jobless, but happy. Hopeful, even.
The First 9 Months: “Honest and Broke”
Like any good person raised on a steady diet of “honesty is the best policy” and the threat of eternal damnation, I went into the job market with my chin up and resume polished. I told recruiters the truth:
- I was unemployed.
- My last job ended because it was toxic (but I said it nicer).
- I was available immediately and ready to work.
What did I get for my honesty? Crickets. Ghosted harder than a bad Hinge date. I could see the moment their smiles froze during interviews:
“Oh, you’re unemployed? For how long again?”
I’d answer, and they’d nod like they just caught me selling snake oil from a dirty van.
They Assume You’re Lying… Until You Actually Lie
Fast forward to this week. Tired. Jaded. Heavily Annoyed. Down to my last nerve. I updated my resume to say I’m currently employed. I started doing this three days ago, mind you. Not even long enough to get a draft a TED talk. Guess what happened?
Three. Interview. Requests.
Same resume. Same experience. Same work ethic.
Only difference? I’m allegedly “employed.” Suddenly, I’m sparkling. I’m desirable. I’m a hot commodity.
WHERE was this energy over the last nine months when I was crying in my car between Zoom calls and submitting applications on LinkedIn with wild abandon like it was the winning lottery ticket?
Without making this a race thing but actually yea it’s a race thing. 100% of the time I make it past the phone interview. 30% of the time I make it past the second Video Interview… and when I get to the third interview 100% of the time I fail that video interview.
So Yes, I’m Lying. And It’s Working.
Do I feel guilty? Maybe a little.
Do I want to scream every time I think about how employers say they want honest, available candidates, but actually want people who are already working?
Absolutely.
It’s like dating. They only want you if someone else already does. Which, if I may, is fucking dumb?
Let Me Be Clear: Nothing Has Changed
- My resume? The same.
- My skills? Still sharp.
- My references? Still glowing.
- My new job? Fictional.
The only update was my willingness to stop being cannon-fodder for corporate judgment.
If You’re Job Hunting, Here’s the Real Tea
- Being unemployed = suspicious.
- Being honest = boring.
- Being “currently employed” = suddenly valuable.
So now I lie.
Because I’m tired.
Because I need to survive.
Because apparently, that’s the game.
And if I’m going to hell for it?
I’ll be the one in the corner with the good Wi-Fi, sipping coffee, still faking employment on LinkedIn.
Hiring managers can visit me there.
