Let’s break this down. The question at hand is whether the original poster (OP) is in the wrong for not embracing a new label just because their partner has chosen to identify differently. In my view, the short answer is no. No one should be forced to alter their identity or self-perception based on someone else’s personal journey.
We live in a time where gender identity is a hot-button issue, and people are encouraged to explore and express themselves in ways that align with their internal truths. That’s fine. But let’s not ignore a fundamental reality: Personal identity is just that—personal. It’s not something that should be dictated by anyone else, no matter how close or invested they are in your life.
I’ve always had a rigid stance on gender. As someone who doesn’t consider herself religious but believes in a higher power, I firmly stand by the belief that God did not make mistakes when it comes to our biological design. The only time a person’s gender might be up for question is in cases where they are born intersex. Otherwise, we are not amphibians. Our gender is not meant to be interchangeable.
Now, let’s address OP’s situation. If you’ve always identified as straight and are attracted to women, why should you suddenly consider yourself gay just because your girlfriend has chosen to identify as male? That’s not how attraction works. Your orientation doesn’t have to change simply because someone else’s identity has shifted.
I say this as someone who has been a tomboy her entire life. I love—and I do mean LOVE—men. I prefer sneakers over heels, and I feel most comfortable in more laid-back clothing. But does that mean I should start questioning whether I’m actually a man? Absolutely not. Clothing and preferences do not dictate gender. And while I respect that others feel differently, I also believe that those who struggle with their gender should consider the possibility that there is something outside of their understanding that could be at play. Maybe it’s a scientific factor we haven’t fully studied. Maybe it’s environmental influences. But something is definitely at work here beyond simple self-perception.
Well, don’t be mad at me for being confused about who or what you are when you seem to be QUITE confused about who you are yourself.
Here’s a thought experiment: If I, a Black woman, suddenly proclaimed that I identify as a white woman or even as a crab, what would happen? Most people would assume that I was delusional or experiencing some kind of mental break. Why? Because identity, while personal, is still tethered to objective reality. You can feel a certain way all you want, but that doesn’t necessarily make it true in the grand scheme of things.
Before anyone gets up in arms, let me be clear: I believe in inclusivity. I believe that as long as people are not harming themselves or others, or engaging in anything illegal, they should have the freedom to live as they choose. That said, acceptance is a two-way street. Just as some expect the world to validate their identity, others have the right to hold onto their own beliefs and definitions of self without coercion or judgment.
So, OP, are you the asshole? No, you’re not. You have the right to define yourself as you see fit. Just as your partner has the right to identify as they choose, you have the right to maintain your own sense of self. No one should be forced to change their identity just to accommodate someone else’s transformation. That’s not love; that’s coercion.
And as for anyone who’s mad that you’re confused about what’s going on? Well, don’t be mad at me for being confused about who or what you are when you seem to be QUITE confused about who you are yourself.