5 min read

“Skinfolk Ain’t Always Kinfolk”: How Their Own Self-Preservation Will Let You Down

group of happy african american friends bonding and hugging on grey background, Juneteenth

There’s an old saying that “skinfolk ain’t always kinfolk,” which speaks to a truth that resonates across generations: just because someone looks like you doesn’t mean they have your best interests at heart. It’s a reminder that, in life, our loyalties shouldn’t be based solely on shared identity markers but rather on mutual respect, understanding, and support. Recognizing this reality is essential for self-care and for cultivating relationships that truly uplift us.

Understanding the Saying

“Skinfolk ain’t always kinfolk” originated from within Black communities, pointing out the nuances of solidarity, loyalty, and genuine connection within any community. It reminds us that, despite similarities in race, gender, culture, or other visible characteristics, individuals within a group may have widely different values, beliefs, or motivations. As history and experience show, surface-level similarities can be misleading. The real connections are built on shared values, genuine support, and mutual growth.

When You Don’t Factor in Their Self-Preservation

Navigating complex social and economic dynamics can put your “skin folk” in a precarious position. It’s difficult to remember that self-preservation isn’t inherently selfish—it’s about protecting their mental, emotional, and physical well-being in the face of challenging situations or toxic relationships/work environments. It means understanding when a situation, relationship, or environment is more harmful than helpful and the “skin folk” who is in a position to help either refuses to step in or studiously ignores their brethren in favor of their position/social status on the food chain. While we can’t pour from an empty cup, protecting themselves ensures that they stay in their position of power even when they know that stepping in is the right thing to do.

Building True Kinship

Real “kinfolk” are those who offer genuine support, mutual respect, and reciprocal growth. Here are a few qualities that make real kinship different:

1. Mutual Respect and Accountability: True kin will hold each other accountable with kindness, honesty, and respect. They won’t allow harmful behaviors to slide, but they will offer feedback constructively, with your best interest at heart.

2. Genuine Support: True kin are there when you need them, not just when it’s convenient or self-serving. They celebrate your wins and support you through challenges, understanding that relationships are a two-way street.

3. Empathy and Understanding: True kin listen and seek to understand your experiences. They won’t diminish or dismiss your struggles just because they don’t relate personally.

4. Aligned Values: While you may not agree on everything, there is a shared foundation of core values. This alignment helps build a strong connection based on shared principles.

Identifying When “Skinfolk” Isn’t “Kinfolk”

It can be challenging to recognize when someone who seems close doesn’t truly have your best interests at heart. Here are some red flags to watch for:

1. Competitive Energy: Some may approach relationships with a sense of competition rather than collaboration. If someone consistently feels like they’re “competing” with you rather than supporting you, it may be time to reconsider the connection.

2. Lack of Accountability: People who can’t or won’t own up to their actions can often damage those around them. If someone dismisses your boundaries or deflects responsibility, they may not be interested in genuine kinship.

3. Superficial Connections: Relationships based on appearances or status are often superficial. If someone values your image over your well-being, that relationship may lack the depth needed for true support.

Practicing Self-Care in Everyday Life

Self-care means placing your well-being first, even when it’s difficult. Here’s how to apply it:

Set Clear Boundaries: Boundaries are a powerful tool for self-care. They help you define what is and isn’t acceptable, allowing you to protect your energy and mental health.

Prioritize Inner Peace: Seek out relationships that bring joy and peace. Choose friends and family members who uplift you, inspire you, and value you.

Don’t Feel Obligated: Just because you share a background or appearance with someone doesn’t mean you owe them loyalty, especially if they’re not contributing positively to your life.

Embracing Your Journey

The journey of self-care and identifying true kin can be lonely at times, but it ultimately leads to a stronger, healthier you. You deserve relationships that affirm and uplift you, where respect and understanding are mutual. By keeping a discerning eye and honoring your own needs, you’ll build connections that resonate on a deeper level, ensuring that those in your life are true kin.